10 Rejected Slogans for Starfleet
Every cadet gets a free 'goddess of empathy' doll.
We got presidents just as indeciseive as Clinton!
We can kick Star Wars' ass!7. DS9: Home of the glop on a stick.
Voyager's not lost it just took a wrong turn at Uranus!
Not every Enterprise is doomed!
Not every Galaxy Class ship has been blown up!3. We don't
We can kick those ID4's aliens ass!
You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
Everybody act like Riker is the captain
Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make
Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled
Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children
and no adults
Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24
hours more growth
Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter
containment fields are collapsing"
10 reasons why the federation never wins
The Prime Directive.
They spend all of their time designing uniforms.
These new troublesome aliens keep popping up.
No Indian or Chineese engineers on board.
Still haven't designed a decent shuttle craft.
People like Jean-Luc insist on playing by the rules.
Worf never gets to win a fight.
They have thousands of people on board their starships, but
only the bridge crew knows how to do anything.
Picard had to go and tick off the Q.
The Klingons have ALWAYS had better looking ships.
Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season
though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts
1. I really don't deserve this.
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...
When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside
9. When you go home after a long day at work you
still answer the phone in a business manner.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead
of in person.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple
colored post-it notes.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with
friends is that they do not have e-mail
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger
from the US, but haven't spoken with your next
door neighbor yet this year.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk
next to you to ask if they're ready to go to
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of 4.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards
1. You try to enter your password on the
Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a
Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s
on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the
pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved
4. The only proctologist lists his address as
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take
a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at
Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see
your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor
radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from
looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can
add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've
seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also
came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Top Ten List
To Be An Annoying Usher...
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row
before opening up the next one. We're going for
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body
cavity searches are optional.
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a
German accent as you show people to their seats.
5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to
open up. Make comments about marking your
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera.
Lurk in the shadows when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included
in your plans for world domination.
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not
sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great
feeling of knowing your HIV test results are
negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks
expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with
a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up
being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very
reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet
for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the
corner market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming
effect on me.
Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your
place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of
guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry
about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain
a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents
interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can
always ask your roommate for help!
Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million
dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
Top Ten Ways
to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink
Floyd is hanging out.
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and
tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead
8. You've got a security breach at Los
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real
Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your
1. "I think
unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to
any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the
yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to
the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge
has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that,
technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide,
it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that
big even when not in the presence of
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds
their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but
the prosecutor was never actually able to prove
it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory
Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?